You Got Phubbed!
How To Speak To Your Loved Ones About Their Smartphone Behavior
Breaking Bread is Best Smartphone-free!
Visiting my partner’s best friend in Buenos Aires, we’ve both been somewhat surprised by his relationship to his phone. He engages with his phone in ways that seem over-the-top to us, like checking his messages at the dinner table and wearing earphones constantly to listen and leave voice messages. My partner doesn’t get to see him that often; in fact, it’s been about seven years since they saw each other last. In the meantime, they’ve maintained their relationship via messages and FaceTime. But now that they have the chance to be face-to-face, the phone seems to be stealing their bonafide face time.
We’ve all been phubbed. That’s the term when you’re being snubbed for a phone, and I’m sure you know that it doesn’t feel great. It’s when your spouse checks a notification mid-sentence or your sister scrolls through Instagram while you tell her a story. It’s a tiny action that has major emotional and psychic consequences.
Studies prove that just having a smartphone on the table—even if it’s off!—inhibits intimacy between the people sitting at the table by reducing cognitive capacity. Basically, the phone hijacks our cognition – or attention – so that we are too distracted to pay attention to the person in front of us. In the case that the phone is on, obviously the distraction is much stronger. Another study found that “people who had conversations in the absence of mobile devices reported higher levels of empathetic concern.”
Ironically, we have evolutionary history to blame for this obsession with our devices, and it has everything to do with human connection. As it turns out, we’re hard-wired to connect with others, which is exactly what we’re doing when we reach for our phones. And yet, we’re choosing a technological connection, or “technoference,” over a personal, face-to-face connection with a loved one.
If you’ve ever been phubbed, you know that it doesn’t feel good. We don’t like it when others do it to us, but we’ve most likely done the same thing to someone else. My partner and I are constantly volleying blame back and forth – “You’re on your phone too much!” “So are you!”
And the truth is, we’re both culpable. So, what can we do to be better humans with the people we love?
Your first reaction when being phubbed will probably be to reach for your own smartphone and dive into social media. Resist the urge. Instead, try approaching the situation with curiosity. Ask questions to find out if there’s something else bothering them. “How are feeling? Is something stressing you out? Are you anxious for some reason?” Perhaps their desire to reach for the phone is coming from a deeper desire, need, or fear.
Another way to approach the situation is to ask yourself – how does being phubbed make me feel? – and then share that feeling with your phone-obsessed friend, leading with “I” statements. For example: “I love talking with you, but it makes me feel like you’re not listening when you check your phone.” Or, “It makes me feel isolated and sad when you’re on your phone while we’re sharing a meal.” This way, you’re not telling the person what to do. You’re simply sharing with them the way their actions make you feel, and it’s up to them to do with that information what they will.
And if you're the phubber, listen with an open heart when a loved one shares their desire to connect with you more deeply -- without the interference of pings and rings.
Tip of the Week
During meals, find a place for your phone that's not the dining table. Don't worry; it'll still be there for you after the dishes have been washed.
Digital Life Around the Web
A powered-off smartphone is still stealing your brain power.
Banishing the phone from the bedroom leaves room for couples to unwind together.
More proof about how "interacting in a neutral environment, without a cell phone nearby, seems to help foster closeness, connectedness, interpersonal trust, and perceptions of empathy — the building-blocks of relationships."
Phubbing affects close relationships and casual friendships alike.
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