Think Twice Before You Text

Why Text When You Can Call?

Photo by Negative Space from Pexels
“I’m going to text Lucy and tell her what we’ve decided,” I told my husband one recent evening. Lucy is a midwife that I’d met with and really liked, but after much deliberation, had ultimately decided against using for our baby’s birth. The truth was, I’d been dreading reaching out to her for several days and wanted very badly to take the easiest way out.
He gave me a look and said two words. “Call her.”
Knowing him well enough, I could have predicted his response.
Norbert manages a company with over 70 employees. He spends a lot of his time thinking about improving systems in the workplace to make his employees happier and more effective workers. Before this job, he was an Agile coach whose job it was to coach software development teams to work better together. He’s kind of a management nerd, and I love making fun of him for this.
But also, I benefit a lot from his expertise in this area. By being a management nerd, Norbert has actually learned a lot about people, relationships and communication. One of the things he talks about most often is synchronous vs. asynchronous communication, a concept that translates seamlessly from the workplace to the friend zone. (I’ll get to his ideas about email next week.)
Synchronous communication refers to communication that occurs synchronically, meaning that both parties are present to participate actively in the conversation. Norbert’s love for synchronous communication is evidenced in his love for meetings. (A bad word in my vocabulary…) Face-to-face, in-person communication is the highest on his totem pole, followed by phone calls when a physical conversation isn’t possible. Norbert is all about synchronous communication, from small matters to more meaningful conversations. Of course, in business, a synchronous conversation might be followed up by an email to clarify the decisions that were discussed.
Asynchronous communication happens when two parties are not speaking in real time, when responses involve a pause. Some of our generation’s most popular choices for asynchronous communication are email and text messages. Voice messages are on the rise, too, which is kind of ironic because it’s almost like a phone call but without the ability to respond spontaneously.
We live during a time when phone calls are on the fast decline. Many people would much prefer to do all of their communication asynchronously—from ordering a pizza to informing a co-worker about a task to breaking up with a boyfriend. While my mother lived on our land line, stretching the cord from the kitchen to the living room as she kept in touch with long-distance friends, the younger generation shies away from using the phone for one of its main intended purposes: making calls.
My friend (we’ll call her Zoe) felt a relationship with another friend slipping away. Zoe had moved away from said friend and with the move, their communication went from being mostly in person to being completely over text. They hadn’t spoken in quite a while and Zoe felt like they were losing the closeness that they once had. She asked her friend if they could speak on the phone once in a while, but her friend told her that she preferred text.
Why do we text? Because it’s “easier”, more convenient. Texting requires less attention or time than a phone call. One can multi-task and text. We can be in the middle of three text convos at the same time. Compared to making a phone call, texting is a more noncommittal form of communication, which is fine for low-stake communication like sending memes and going crazy with emogis. But when it comes to more important discussions, or even just quotidian catch-ups, synchronous conversations can be more satisfying than a rapid-fire text sesh.
I get it. I’m a writer and the written word is my preferred form of communication. That being said, nothing is stopping me from writing my thoughts down before having a hard conversation. Sometimes I don’t know actually know what I'm thinking unless I write it down. Also, it’s important to be aware of people’s communication strengths. My ease with writing might lead me to write a well-worded email that alienates the receiver rather than leading to mutual understanding.
Speaking in real time to a boss or family member about a difficult situation is scary! Speaking to anyone in real time is scary—the stakes are high! The person will respond and then you have to spontaneously respond to their response! You can’t, unlike with texting, muse over your choice of words. There's no delete button in real life. Synchronous conversations can be messy, and perhaps the lack of control is what gives many people anxiety about having them. But perhaps it’s also worth it to overcome our discomfort and do the harder thing.
I’m glad Norbert encouraged me to call Lucy; we ended up having a lovely chat and were able to land in a really positive place, a place where we both feel understood and appreciated. I wonder what feeling I would have been left with had I chosen to text her instead.
Tip of the Week
Is there a friend who's been on your mind lately? Perhaps this friend just got a promotion at work or lost a beloved pet. Instead of scrolling through emojis to find the one that best demonstrates a digital hug, give them a call.
I think we often hold back by making excuses like, it won't be a good time or they're probably busy. If they're busy, they won't pick up. That's the worse that will happen. And maybe they'll call you back at a better time or text you when might be a better time. And then you'll get some good ol' fashioned phone time with a person you love.
And while I was writing this, one of my oldest, dearest friends (and loyal reader of this newsletter) called me out of the blue. She has a toddler and it's certainly hard to find the time but she was on her drive home after work and took a moment to give me a ring. Much love, Marisa!
Digital Life Around the Web
"Leaving Twitter for Instagram was like moving to Los Angeles, only cheaper."
Zadie Smith is currently reading this book and asking all of us to consider: "How can we live in the digital age and yet still be so innocent as to what that really means?"
Celebrated writer Lauren Groff dispels the myth that new writers must be on social media. "Nobody has to be here. This place is a cesspit. I’m only on Twitter because I hate leaving my house and my dog doesn’t talk back to me."
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Thanks for reading!