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Communicating with Non-Violence
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“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.”
Rumi
We are living in divisive times. Everything is either black or white. There is little room for healthy debate or open-hearted conflict resolution. We’ve lost the art of civil dialogue—and I do think social media has contributed to that loss.
How many people feel emboldened to say hateful, hurtful things while hiding behind a Twitter handle? Who out there has used their Facebook page as a soapbox to spout their beliefs, but plug their ears when it comes to hearing others’ ideas? I know that I’m guilty.
I think we have the fallacy of RIGHT and WRONG to thank for this discord. We hold on so tight to the idea that there IS a right and wrong, when that is simply untrue. Angry diatribes and upsetting attacks are actually “tragic expressions of unmet needs,” in the words of Marshall Rosenberg, the father of Nonviolent Communication. NVC teaches us to look beyond the anger to find the unmet need hiding underneath.
I’m quick to want to be right and tell others that they’re wrong. But using the tools of Nonviolent Communication, I’m trying to unlearn the cultural conditioning of right and wrong—and I’m thinking about ways to apply what I’m learning in NVC towards my expression on social media. How quickly I re-post an article without taking the time for thoughtful reflection—sometimes without even reading the article in its entirety. How quickly I shoot back an angry response without giving someone the benefit of the doubt. How quickly I hit the “unfriend” button when someone has beliefs that are beyond my comprehension.
Nonviolent Communication is hard work. It requires time, thought, and reflection—assets which aren’t usually encouraged in an online world that runs on warped speed.
When I taught freshman year composition at the University of South Florida, the students had to choose an issue, determine stakeholders, and find the middle ground between them. To get to the middle ground, both sides must give something up. They have to give up the notion that their idea is the “right” one—give up the notion that there is a right and wrong way to begin with.
With an approaching election and a global pandemic, the rhetoric swirling around our country and the World Wide Web only gets angrier, less open-hearted, and more divisive. This does not serve us well. While it may be easier to thoughtlessly re-post an angry article with a clickbait title or shoot a cutting remark on a post you disagree with it, what does it achieve in the long-term? Perhaps we should think of our actions as a small part of a long game, instead of the quick spark of instant gratification.
Tip of the Week
When you see something upsetting on social media, consider the possibility that this is simply a "tragic expression of an unmet need." Instead of hitting a quick re-post or re-tweet or reply, ask yourself if you are communicating from a place of needing to be right. Is there a deeper need that you are trying to express, and if so, what is that need? Is there another way you can nurture this need in a more meaningful manner?
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