App Loyalty
The Complexities of Keeping in Touch
I had a conversation with my friend
recently about Marco Polo, an app that allows you to send videos and voice messages between friends and groups. Her friends got on Marco Polo during the pandemic and implored her to join them; she’s been using the app regularly ever since. But over the past few months, she’s found that using the app induces feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. Jay has also found that participating in that form of asynchronous communication is extremely time consuming; videos can be thirty minutes max and friends regularly send videos between 5 and 15 minutes. Several of her friends have paid to upgrade their accounts, which means they can watch videos at twice or triple the speed. Jay hasn’t upgraded so she can only watch in full speed. In February, she decided to limit herself to only opening the app once a week, which didn’t help with the feeling of overwhelm because when she did log on, there might be an hour and a half of content waiting for her!For her friends, Marco Polo is a fun and easy way to keep in touch. One of her friends listens and sends videos during her long commute. Another friend has kids and a full-time job and simply can’t find the time for a regular phone call.
But for Jay, she’s reached the point where the negatives of using Marco Polo simply don’t outweigh the positives. As someone with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, she must be extremely diligent about how she spends her time and energy. And using an app like Marco Polo is simply a burden that she cannot bear at this point in her life and healing journey. (You can read more about Jay’s work as a chronic illness advocate in her newsletter
.)Some of Jay’s friends have expressed frustration when she has mentioned quitting the app because it’s the only way they communicate.
Keeping in touch is hard. And in today’s digital landscape, where we have ten thousand ways to communicate, it’s particularly complex. We might think that the plethora of options makes keeping in touch easier, but that’s not necessarily the case. What works for one person might not work for the next.
In the ADHD sub-Reddit recently, someone was writing about how overwhelmed they felt when their friends send them a video. The sender certainly had the best intentions to share a video they found informative or entertaining with their friend, but they may not understand how that simple act can feel like a huge burden on the receiving end. Not only are you asking the person on the receiving end to watch a video (a time commitment without any context about what they are watching or why), but the sender is most likely expecting a reaction, as well. It’s a burden of time and attention that can provoke a sense of social anxiety in some people around the unspoken expectation. We may be asking someone to do something they don’t want to do because they don’t want to hurt your feelings by ignoring the video.
Our digital landscape is teeming with ways to communicate; the overabundance can be overwhelming for anyone, even if you don’t experience health issues or neurodiversity. How are we adding to the overwhelm in the way that we communicate with others? What are we asking of others when we mindlessly send them a video, article, meme, or voice memo? Or when we demand that they communicate with us on the app that works best for us? How are we burdening them when we demand their time, attention, and response?
I know that I am guilty of this when I send my husband a string of Instagram reels or an extremely long article without any context clues. Perhaps it would be less stressful for him if I saved those videos to watch together at a later time, or I included a message about what I found interesting in the article that I wanted to share with him. Although I don’t expect him to stop his work day to watch these videos or read the article, I can understand that he might feel pressure when he receives them and it could invoke in him a sense that he’s letting me down by not responding to them immediately.
My sister and a group of girlfriends send a constant stream of videos to my Instagram DMs. I am not a regular Instagram user, but once every few weeks, I make the conscious effort to go on there and watch the many videos that have accumulated since the last time I checked. Some are insightful, some are hilarious, some are catching me up on juicy celebrity gossip (ugh, Bad Bunny and that Jenner girl). I enjoy watching these videos (at my leisure), and I am grateful that they share them with me. My sister and my friends know not to expect an immediate reaction from me, and that’s okay.
WhatsApp is my preferred communication method, but I know it doesn’t work for everyone. I use Signal to communicate with one friend whose work as an activist makes her privacy of the utmost importance. When I want to speak with my friend Yanna, I know she’ll always pick up my phone call or call me back if I leave a voicemail on her machine. With another friend, I know she’ll answer my texts immediately but she will almost never answer my call; she prefers texting over talking. I recently connected with a local writer on Twitter and I sent her a DM with my phone number, letting her know that I rarely check Twitter but I would be happy to continue the conversation via text or over a coffee. Norbert, my husband, tells the story about how he sent me a bunch of messages via Facebook Messenger for years before we got together, but I never got back to him. It wasn’t personal; Messenger is just not my jam.
We should feel comfortable having conversations with our loved ones about our preferred methods of communication. Using “I” language, we can explain what works for us and what doesn’t, what makes us feel anxious and what we want more of. More cat videos! Less political rants. More baby pictures! Less long articles about the dangers of caffeine.
We can also accept people’s boundaries around digital communication without taking it personally. For example, I have a WhatsApp group where I share photos of the kids with our far-flung friends and family. For some, being a part of a WhatsApp group is beyond their capability, and I can accept that. It doesn’t mean they hate my kids; it simply means they know their limitations and they trust me enough to share that boundary with me.
We can educate our loved ones about our communication preferences. For example, “If you want an immediate response from me, send me an email but don’t text me. I’m on my computer all day but I only check my phone in the evening.” When I still had a flip phone, sometimes I’d make plans with people and then they’d email me to change the plans. I had to explain to them that I didn’t check email unless I was at a computer; if they needed to change the plans, they could text or call.
This can seem super annoying: every person with their own communication preferences. And yet, that is the nature of relationships. Like with love languages, the way we show love may not resonate with our partner. We may have to learn how to do something that doesn’t come naturally to us, like download Signal or perform an act of service. We may decide that being in a relationship with someone who only communicates on Marco Polo is not a relationship that we can commit to.
Our communication styles may not sync up, even with people we love and have lots in common with. Friendships are not always evergreen, and even in this digital landscape of ten thousand ways to keep in touch, friendships fade—a fact that may be hard to accept.
What’s your preferred method of digital communication? Memes? Cat Videos? Instagram DMs? Voice memos? Group chats? Emails? Share in the comments below.
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So many great points here. I am pretty flexible and have different methods for different people/groups. I've one group that is mostly voice notes. These are such a joy, especially for friends I don't get to see often.