Have you ever experienced that strange feeling of unworthiness when someone you are hanging out with turns to their phone? It feels like – I’m not enough. Something on their silly device is more important than me. And perhaps it’s true—maybe they are doing something important on their phone, like meeting a last-minute deadline for something they nearly forgot.
The problem is, from the outside, we have no idea what they’re doing. All we know is that the person we’re hanging out with finds an inanimate object more captivating than us. We may not be doing it on purpose but our actions create a reaction, whether intended or not.
This is an ongoing discussing with my partner—who spends more time on their phone, and as a result, makes the other person feel left out. We ping pong blame back and forth. The truth is, we’re both guilty of it.
We don’t do it to piss the other person off. It’s usually casual, unintentional, thoughtless. That’s the problem. We don’t put any thought into how this simple action of picking up our phone might affect the people around us, whether that be our children, our partner, or the cashier at the grocery store.
It’s not a crime to pick up your phone. All day long, things pop into our heads, “digital errands” like sending that email to confirm plans, deactivating a subscription service, or signing our kid up for camp before the spots fill up. We live in a time of instant gratification; we’re not used to waiting anymore to fulfill a task or to communicate a thought to someone. A thought pops into our head and BAM! We want to be able to act on that thought immediately.
It's not a crime to pick up your phone, but we must also acknowledge that doing so sends a message to the people around us. The people around us may not have a conscious understanding that they feel slighted, but they have a flitting moment of unease. There’s a break in the connection.
These tiny moments of “connection” to our phones punctuate our day and don’t allow us to be fully present in the moment with people we are physically with. We connect virtually and commit tiny acts of disconnection in the real world.
Our digital errand may only take a minute, but it can have a lasting impact on the quality of the connection with the people around you.
I’ll give you an example. My husband and I have a weekly appointment that is half an hour away, and he’s usually the one who drives. We’re together in the car, and yet, if I reach for my phone, I’m indicating to him that I’m elsewhere. Simply put, I’m not present. By turning to my phone, I could be anywhere – communicating with a friend in France or browsing swimsuits. Although he is driving and his concentration is on the road, we are still sharing time and space together. When I choose to be on my phone, I am no longer sharing that time and space with him. I am elsewhere.
We live in a digital world and we run digital errands all day long. So, how do we navigate these moments without creating disharmony in our physical reality?
Be forthright. Communicate with the person or people around you. For example: “I just remembered the deadline to sign up for swimming classes is tonight! I’m going to jump on the portal, sign up my son and then I’ll be right back with you.” This acknowledges that you are stepping out of being present with them to turn your attention to your phone. It makes people feel seen and relevant. Being forthright allows you to acknowledge the reality of the disconnection and mitigate its effects on the people around you.
Bring people along with you for the ride. Share the joke. Tell them about the viral video or the tough thing your friend is going through. Turn this moment of disconnection into a moment of connection—a moment of distance into a moment of closeness.

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🧹Housekeeping
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🗞️Article of the Week
How to Gain a Gazillion Followers Online, Taco Bell Quarterly-Style, LitHub
MM Carrigan found surprise fame on “Writer Twitter” when she inadvertently created a character that is a talking Taco Bell. 30,000 followers later, she is the editor-in-chief of Tace Bell Quarterly, “a literary magazine that is approaching 30,000 Twitter followers after five issues, rivaling the online presences of many respected lit mags that have been around for decades.” Carrigan writes about the need for more transparency around the craft of building platforms in the writing world.
Building a platform is throwing a lot of shit out there.
It’s trying to draw a crowd, trying to earn a dollar.
✨My Takeaway:
As a writer who is actively trying to build a platform, I appreciated Carrigan’s assertion that “you’ll be fine!” She literally gave me (and all writers) permission to promote our projects. “Perform a bit,” she writes. “Maybe dance. Maybe learn to cook. Try not to blink.” She says writers are natural performers, and I think there’s truth to that. For me, it’s finding that happy medium between seeking approval (i.e., a following) and doing the work that I want to be doing.
🎵Song of the Week:
Chasing Twisters by Delta Rae
I had the chance to see this band live last week and I instantly fell in love with this song. Haunting and deep as a canyon. The singer’s vocals blow me away!
Chasing twisters in the canyon
My cathedral is the badlands
Dust and devils on my conscience
Come back to me, darling