Discipline vs Diagnosis
My brain is weird! What's new?
For a long time, I refused to get a smartphone. Something in me just knew that I wouldn’t have the strength to control myself with a tiny computer in my back pocket—and I was right. For me, having a smartphone (and similarly, being on social media) feels like desperately trying to hold on to a wild, bucking horse; the horse is in charge, not me.
At the time, I chalked this up as a character defect. I beat myself up for not being disciplined enough. If only I had more self-control, I wouldn’t struggle as mightily with digital addictions. I would stop reaching for my phone to check my messages, even though I just checked them a minute ago. I would stop refreshing my email instead of writing. I would be able to be on social media without getting sucked in for hours.
We all know that social media platforms are designed to be incredibly addictive. So are smartphones. I’m one of millions of people who have disordered behaviors around smartphones, social media, and the internet.
And yet, I’ve recently learned something about myself that explains why my relationship to these phenomena is more fraught than for others. I was recently screened and prescribed medication for ADHD.
In the past few months, I have been learning everything that I can about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I’ve read a lot of books and listened to a lot of podcasts of people sharing their experience living with ADHD. Many of their stories feel very familiar to me. I, too, am messy, forgetful, impulsive, extremely impatient, and often frazzled. I struggle with things like task initiation, prioritizing, and time blindness, which I had never heard of before! I’ve always blamed my very loose perception of time on my Cuban heritage…
Learning about the many ways that ADHD affects how we function in the world has given me a self-awareness that I’ve never had before. During the past few weeks, I feel as though I’m hovering over my body, watching myself as I prepare breakfast or drive a car. I’ve been slapping my forehead as I think back to the many times that I’ve let pots burn on the stove when all I wanted to do was boil water, or left medical bills unopened and unpaid until they’ve been sent to collections. I’ve felt waves of grief as I consider the many projects I’ve abandoned—or never started—because I couldn’t wrap my mind around the multi-step process of getting from A to Z.
Seeing my life through this new lens means that I’ve also been reevaluating the way that ADHD affects my relationship to smartphones and the digital world. I can definitely see how impulsivity, impatience, poor time management skills, and a penchant for distractibility has not made my life easier when it comes to devices and social media.
Having this diagnosis doesn’t necessarily change anything about my life. I am still the same frazzled person that I’ve always been. (Jury’s still out on medication.) But now, I have more information about the way my brain works, and I can establish systems and accommodations to help in those areas where I have deficiencies.
For example, I’m at the library right now and when people around me started chatting and little noises kept knocking my focus off the rails, I almost packed up my stuff and left. But then I remembered the pair of earplugs in my bag. Game changer! I’ve started leaving earplugs for myself in all my bags and all the rooms of my house. Instead of beating myself up that I can’t focus because I’m simply not disciplined enough, I can be kind to myself and give myself a helping hand.
So how does this translate to my relationship to the digital world? To be determined. For now, I’m sitting with this new information that maybe there’s always been more going on when it comes to my inability to control my impulses. With this new understanding of how my brain functions, I can start to develop new ways of relating to the digital world.
I was right when I said that I wasn’t someone who could handle having a smartphone. I was right when I decided to disable all notifications on my phone and never install social media apps. I was right when I decided to live without Wi-Fi at home during my grad school years. (Most productive years of my life!) I was right when I took a yearlong social media sabbatical to regain my sanity.
Over the years, I have found different workarounds for the challenge of staying in control when it comes to devices and digital platforms. Now I understand what I was up against—my ADHD brain. I will continue to seek and experiment with new ways of taking control of the reins. Thank you for being with me on this journey of staying sane in an insane digital world.
🗞️On the Web
🌸 A Very Small Writing Practice by Carmella Guiol, Brevity blog
An essay about the writing practice that I’ve faithfully maintained for the past 3 years!
Eventually, I will break out of the Line a Day journal, and the words will flow freely on the page. Maybe one day, I’ll finish the memoir that I started when I was pregnant with my first baby. Maybe one day, I’ll rewrite that young adult novel that’s been gathering dust on my hard drive. Maybe one day, I’ll finish that book proposal that I’ve been stopping and starting for the past decade.
But for now, a line a day. It keeps me writing, putting pen to paper. Bite-sized morsels, but still, words on the page.
🧹Housekeeping
🌀In the pipeline: I have been hard at work interviewing people for the upcoming podcast. If you or someone you know has interesting relationship with social media and/or smartphones, please get in touch!
✍️Represent! I am seeking representation for a nonfiction book based on this newsletter. If you or someone you know works in the publishing industry, please contact me.
🚀 Growing this newsletter! Please forward this newsletter to all of your friends! And don’t forget to post about it on social media (if you’re into that kind of thing — and if you are, add me on TikTok and Instagram).
🔥Something new: I added a paid subscription option. For now, the content will be the same for both paid and free subscriptions. I’m just giving readers the option of paying for my newsletter if they so desire!
Welcome to the club! It's such an eye-opener once you know the reason but it can become overwhelming when you start to realise how much of what you do is actually either the adhd or coping strategies for it. I'm so glad you've ended up with a life that works for, than against your brain. I went hard in the fight against, and am now trying to find a way to do the same. 🥴
YES!! The diagnosis must be such a relief. I've spent years of my life hunting for the hole in my brain. So far no diagnosis, but I also know the drugs give me migraines, so I focus on the tools. Headphones are #1. Sometimes I use them alone at home just to drown out the sound of unfolded laundry.