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Hello friends! By the time you read this, I will (hopefully) be somewhere in the sky above the Atlantic, on my way back home.
I took an unplanned hiatus from the newsletter this summer, which I suppose I should have foreseen as necessary and planned in advance. Anyhow, here we are at the tail end of summer, and for my family, at the tail end of an extended trip to Europe visiting our overseas family.
One of the things I fretted about in our pre-trip planning was the cellphone situation. I knew in advance that my Light Phone wasn’t going to work outside of the U.S., and that I would likely have to go back to using my iPhone as my primary means for communication. Spending an extended time outside of the U.S. back in 2017 is what initially forced me to trade in my flip phone for a smartphone; I needed the ability to stay in close contact with my family back in the States, and WhatsApp was the best tool for doing so. Hence, the smartphone switch.
I looked into dumbphone options in Europe before our trip, but nothing like the Light Phone exists there yet; I knew I would need more than simply call and texts while I was abroad. Besides WhatsApp, I was going to be traveling between several foreign countries, therefore a maps app was essential, as well as the aforementioned WhatsApp for communicating with people on both sides of the Atlantic.
Alas, I found myself in the same situation as I’d been in 2017 – trading in my dumbphone for a smartphone for the ease of international communication and the convenience of traveling with a tiny computer in my pocket.
I took a dumbphone hiatus and rekindled my relationship with an old friend…
Dear reader, I wish I could report that my long-term dumbphone usage back home in the States has radically altered my relationship to the smartphone, but that simply is not the case. Put an iPhone in my hand and I fall right back into the well-worn ruts of addictive behaviors – excessive scrolling, inane Googling, and overall obsessiveness. The quick dopamine hit that comes from simply picking up a smartphone and having it respond intuitively to your touch. The endlessly possibilities that there might be something waiting for you within that magical screen, something to fill the existential void — even if momentarily. Instead of staying in the tool category where it had been relegated in my normal (dumbphone) life, my iPhone transformed back into a toxic appendage.
My old strategies for curbing my iPhone usage remained in place, such as time limits, limiting email to my laptop, and never bringing my phone into the bedroom. But still, the pull of the iPhone was strong; I spent more time on it than I’d like to admit, listening to podcasts, reading the news, wasting time Googling and falling into internet rabbit holes. I even developed a new addiction – word games!
I’ve never played word games before, and I got into them because I was spending too much time in the New York Times app, hopelessly addicted to the news cycle. I will say, of all the things I could be doing on my phone, word games aren’t the worst. In fact, I really loved the ritual I developed of playing the free NYT word games every day. Finishing a word game gives me a dopamine hit, sure, but at least it’s not mindless scrolling. The experience is finite and it requires using your brain. Yes, playing these games took me out of the moment, but it was a moment uniquely for me – not for anyone else.
There’s been a cultural conversation happening about joy and pleasure-seeking (I especially loved this conversation between Ezra Klein and Jia Tolentino about the perceived benefits of “educational” algorithmic kid-focused media and the complexities of parenting – and being human – in the digital era), and it’s something I have been exploring personally. What are the things we do that are tied to “achievement” and what are the things we do for no goal but our own pleasure?
Playing these games brings me pleasure, although you could also make the argument that there’s an achievement aspect due to the gamification of scores and streaks, but I don’t really pay attention to that. There are 4 word games that I played religiously, and I will probably continue playing them back home—on my laptop. (Or maybe not! Who knows.)
While in Europe, I also used my iPhone to make short videos of different excursions, special occasions, and family trips throughout our visit. I’d never used the iMovie app before, and I had a lot of fun weaving together photos and videos into a finished product, a visual narrative that I could share with our loved ones. I’m one of those people who loves making photo albums and sharing memories, and crafting videos scratched that itch, as well as flexed my creative muscles in a new way. Again, this is a smartphone tool I may take with me into my dumbphone life.
I spent a lot of time traveling internationally in my twenties, during my pre-smartphone days, and I’ve written about how I used to record a voice machine message on my phone at the airport that basically said – “I’m out of the country, therefore unreachable.” Then I’d power my cell phone off and leave it in the bottom of my bag untouched for months, until I returned home. I communicated with loved ones via emails and phone calls from booths where I paid by the minute. Being out of the country truly meant being disconnected from my life back home – my friends, my community, my country.
That is no longer the case. While abroad, I read the headlines daily to stay abreast of election news, I keep up with the various group chats (friends, family, community members, neighbors), I call up a friend and chat as if I’m in my kitchen back home in North Carolina, my kids and I video chat with my mom. With my smartphone, I’m not so disconnected anymore, and while that comes with its downsides, it also comes with many upsides, especially the part about staying in touch with my close friends and family.
These past two months of falling back into the iPhone universe have felt indulgent, shameful, joyful, creative, stressful. I can say with absolutely certainty that my mental health suffered.
And yet, I can also say that there was an awareness and intention about using my phone that felt different from before. I was more likely to leave my phone at home during day trips, or power it off for several hours at a time. Still, I could have done better in sticking to my values rather than succumbing to the phone’s irresistible charm.
Yes, I picked up my phone more than I would like, I used it to self-soothe at times, and I indulged in posting occasional updates to social media, but I also delighted in long phone calls with my besties, I hyped myself up on long runs with Spotify’s daylist blasting in my ears, I challenged my brain in new ways, and I marveled at the pursuit of a new creative outlet.
I have an understanding that my digital life, habits and needs look different when I’m outside of my routine, my comfort zone, my normal life. When I’m far away from home.
Most importantly, there is a compassion for myself around the hold that this hypnotic device has on me. I’m not immune to its powers, I’m imperfect, and I’m more than ready to power it OFF and go back to using my Light Phone!
A last little something for laughs…
I relate so much to this, Carmella. I was traveling only domestically this summer, but my iPhone (which I use only as a tablet on wifi) has been creeping back into my hand more often, mostly due, I think, to election-year stress. I've found my self scrolling more than I have in a couple of years, and craving that self-soothing in the evenings. I need to put the phone back in my drawer where it belongs. There is "pleasure," yes, but it's usually so shallow, and comes at a cost to my quality of feeling and thought.
This is so relatable! Sometimes I feel broken because after all this time of being completely fine with a mostly unplugged/offline life, as soon as I have access to let's say Reddit or whatever, it's like I simply cannot look away. Hours pass by and I'm conscious of all the negative effects in real time, how gross I feel, and I just keep scrolling, and as soon as the access is gone, I'm back to my offline routines and activities. I don't mind the tricks to unplug as long as they work, I love this mode of living so, so much but there's a part of me that's just like... Seriously?!?! Ugh. I guess I want to feel stronger than being easily captured by the digital but yeah... Self-compassion