Parenting While Under the Influence

photo of the writer as a child

Yesterday, I was speaking with a fellow parent of two small children for the podcast and we were talking about the stressors of caring for little people. For me, I think that stress has had a huge influence on my relationship with devices. “Ever since I had children,” I said to him, “I feel more addicted to my phone than ever before.”

Not to blame it all on the kiddos. But… here are a few thoughts about how parenting can lead us down a road of deeper dependence on our devices.

Tiny humans are adorable – that’s they’re saving grace. Nature knew was it was doing when it designed children to be both insufferable and cute as hell. If you haven’t been around toddlers in a while, let me refresh your memory of what it’s like being in their presence. While they can at times be charming and agreeable, they are often self-absorbed, irrational, and exploding with emotional volatility. To be around toddlers (mine at least) is to be bombarded with stimulation (both auditory and physical) and relentless demands, for they have many needs that they often cannot express or fulfill on their own. It’s a tough time, being a toddler!

But it’s also a lot to handle for those of us who care for them.

We all experience stressors –from our job, from our financial situation, from the world around us, from being in relation with other humans. As a parent of two toddlers, I experience the frequent and acute stressors of big toddler emotions. It’s a lot to hold emotionally. For me, I find it incredibly challenging to be the calm center to the storm – to be the person who can emotionally regulate my children when I myself am having trouble staying emotionally regulated (see: ADHD).

So first and foremost, I can count myself among the many parents who turns to the phone as a pacifier, a soothing mechanism for my over-taxed nervous system. When I need a breather, a reset, a distraction – the phone is there. When what I need is real rest, a restorative moment, I turn to my phone. And what do I receive? A quick dopamine spike, closely followed by a dopamine dip. Do I get what I was looking for? No. But still, it is the tool that many of us have on hand and turn to in moments of discomfort and disquiet.

Add to this the anxiety of constant connectivity. As a parent, I feel like I am not allowed to be unreachable for a second—and maybe no one is putting that expectation on me besides myself. But the ability that our phones give us to be reachable on a permanent basis gives us the false expectation that this should always be the case. As someone who struggles with people-pleasing and codependent tendencies, that may be an additional piece to the puzzle (something that we often discuss in the comment section of

Do the Work

newsletter.) As

Julie Falatko

has said, the internet and our phones give us so many opportunities to be available to other people. It makes it hard for people like me to carve out space for myself.

Our children are only small once – and we certainly don’t want to miss an opportunity to document every single moment of that journey. Having a smartphone in our pocket means that we also have a high-performing camera on our person at all times with which to memorialize every funny face, every victorious climb, every chalk drawing and every Lego tower. Smartphone cameras have gotten so good, why would we think of getting anything else? By the way, if you have a digital camera recommendation, I’m all ears! I’m looking for something that takes good quality photos without being too bulky or breaking the bank.

You can’t overstate the role that boredom plays in parental smartphone behavior. Taking care of children isn’t all fun and tantrums. There are also hours on end of repeating the same song over and over again, being asked the same question, or watching your kid go up and down the same three stairs for a solid hour. They’re learning so much about the world and themselves. They’re trying out new skills and building neurological pathways. And as exciting as that sounds, it’s oftentimes exasperating and boring for the caretakers of small children. The phone provides a much-needed escape from the drudgery of our daily reality.

Which leads me to my next point. Parenting small children can be a very lonely and isolating experience. Whereas we used to raise children in intergenerational “villages” where caretaking duties might be shared among a wide network of elders, family, and community members, today’s parents are very often raising their children alone. Raising small children means we are more limited in what we can do. Whereas we might have spent a lot of time outside the home before kids, our lives as parents becomes much more homebound. It’s hard to get out of the house to socialize between naptimes, household chores, and the incessant waves of viruses and sickness that so often plague young children. Stay-at-home parents lose the camaraderie and socialization that comes with colleagues and work life. It’s not easy not having another adult to speak to all day. And so, where do we turn for that social connection? Our phones.

Lately, I’ve been asking myself these questions:

What kind of example do I want to be setting for my children?

How do I want to show up for them as a parent?

Am I using my phone as a mindless crutch instead of developing healthier strategies for surviving this experience?

Am I being the kind of parent that I want to be? Or is my smartphone getting in the way?

Personally, I think I’ve reached a point where it’s detrimental to my parenting to have a smartphone. I am less attentive, more distracted, but also less grounded. I think it’s negatively affecting my ability to be resilient in the face of challenges, and impairing my ability to develop better coping strategies for emotional regulation. Also, if I am feeling over-stimulated and over-taxed, the last thing that I should be turning towards is a device that reinforces those feelings.

While I am about ready to throw my smartphone in the toilet, I have deleted the Gmail app instead and that has helped to curb some of my impulses. I also had my husband install a landline at our house so that I can power down my smartphone and know that I am still reachable. That has given me some peace of mind.

What about you, dear reader? What are you doing this week to help you have a healthier relationship to devices and social media? Share in the comment below!

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